Appearing before the gods of the bench ... Dire warning about flippancy in court ... Correctly reading the judicial temperament ... Traps for young players ... Junior Junior on adjournment techniques
BARRISTERS love to give advice to junior juniors.
This is obviously a good thing; a full account of my legal knowledge and experience could be written on the back of an envelope.
One piece of advice I received early on has stuck with me. I was told: don't be flippant.
Flippant remarks, sarcastic banter, and other attempts to draw laughs from the cheap seats are not to be made in court. Court is a sacrosanct place where one must treat the judge like a god.
Of course, not all judges are the same.
Some are the Old Testament God, angry and difficult to appease. Barristers are habitually turned to pillars of salt, leading to gnashing of teeth and emptying of the chambers' drinks fridge.
Others are the New Testament God. A nose for justice, but fail to follow this judge's lead and your client could face eternal damnation.
A few judges are Dionysus, the Greek god of wine. They appear to be listening to you, but are actually day-dreaming about golf and boutique pinot noir. Try to keep your submissions short.
There is at least one Jupiter, king of the Roman gods. He fights your case, fights your opponent's case, then writes a judgment that downs you both.
Finally, some judges are atheists. They do not believe in a higher authority, and scoff when you suggest that they are bound by one. Chaos and panic ordinarily ensues.
Whatever god one is appearing before, I am fast learning that care must be taken not to overstep the mark. Of course, for every rule there are exceptions. One such occurred recently before the New Testament God, ruler of the living and the dead, who was presiding over His holy list on Hospital Road.
It was a particularly busy list, and one hapless sole (we shall call him Job) had clearly been thrown under the proverbial bus by a colleague. Job had only held the brief for a matter of minutes before being shuttled off to face judgment. Presumably, the instructions he'd been given were to the effect of, "It's a simple matter, you shouldn't have any problems, just get it adjourned".
Any junior junior that hears those words immediately thinks of Admiral Ackbar's immortal phrase: It's a trap!
After some minutes of judicial battering, the judge informed young Job of Ill Fortune in no uncertain terms of his great displeasure.
"This is wholly unsatisfactory. You don't appear to have any knowledge of the history of this matter, or indeed have any idea what this case is about. Perhaps the barrister with carriage should appear in person next time."
Job avoided a grimace, and instead cracked a smile.
"Your Honour, this is what is colloquially referred to as a 'Hospital Road pass'."
Those in the gallery waited for Job to be turned into a pillar of salt, but His Holiness instead laughed. "You should have opened with that. I would have given you the adjournment."
Oh ye, of little faith. Here endeth the lesson.